


please, could you be tender?

by harlotstarlet



Series: hard feelings [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Just projecting onto Jackie, Lesbian AU, it's only implied in like one sentence but I still want y'all to be careful just in case bbs, this is technically a prequel to the others in this series but it can stand alone, tw for sort of implied suicidal ideation, yall know how it goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:54:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24892699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harlotstarlet/pseuds/harlotstarlet
Summary: Jackie and Jan go on a late night drive.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: hard feelings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780825
Comments: 7
Kudos: 36





	please, could you be tender?

For someone with a mind as expansive as Jackie’s, living in a small town seemed like her own personal hell. The entire town felt like four big walls that confined and restricted her. Until she bought her first car. She’d saved for two whole years and finally was able to purchase a decent car. It wasn’t perfect. The seats were stained and one of the back windows didn’t roll down properly, but it worked and it got her out of town, even if it was at 2 am when she needed to think. Driving down the desolate highway off of her town felt like freedom. 

On one particularly stressful night, her fingers itched to wrap around the steering wheel and gently tap the rhythm of whatever song she pumped through the crackly speakers as she barreled down the highway. Just as she was about to sneak out the window with her keys, her phone rang. The sweet tone that she’d set for whenever Jan called.

“Hey,” she answered tentatively. It was nearing 1 am, nobody ever called this late with good news.

“Hi, Jackie! I didn’t know if you’d be up but I’m so glad you are!”

Apparently, nobody ever called this late with anything good besides Jan.

“Um, yeah. I was just gonna go for a drive,” she answers with a nervous chuckle. She wasn’t sure why she was nervous. Jan had been her rock for the last year, she should be able to tell her everything. And she did for the most part. 

“Oh! That sounds like fun, can I come?”

Jackie smiles at the thought of Jan being excited to hang out with her. Maybe her favorite alone time activity would be so much better with her favorite person tagging along.

“Yeah. I’ll pick you up in 5, ok?”

Just as she said she would, Jackie pulls up in front of Jan’s house five minutes later. The blonde is waiting for her already. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun and she’s in sweats and slides, but of course, she makes it work just like she always does.

“Hi,” Jan says, leaning over the center console for a kiss that Jackie gladly gives her, “so where are we going?”

Jackie shrugs. “Nowhere in particular. I just like to drive when I feel overwhelmed or upset.”

Jan gives her hand a little squeeze. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Jackie replies, flashing Jan a small smile.

Jan squeezes her hand again, this time thrice, their own personal way of saying ‘I love you’ without opening their mouths. 

With that, Jackie takes off for the highway, Jan’s playlist playing softly over the speakers.

Jackie drives quietly, the exact thoughts she was trying to drive away from swirled around in her brain so much so that the cool breeze flowing through the windows wasn’t even putting her at ease. Nothing was, not from the comforting sound of the wind in her ears nor Jan singing softly under her breath.

Suddenly the need to spill her thoughts overwhelms her. If she were by herself, now would be the time where she’d pull over and cry and rant into the nothingness. But she had Jan right by her side. Jan who was effervescent and overwhelmed with joy all the time. Jan who never once judged her and liked her for who she is, even when Jackie felt like she didn’t even know who she was.

“Jan?” She pipes up, turning the music down to low.

“What’s up?”

“Do you ever feel like nothing you do matters?”

Jan raises an eyebrow, and even though Jackie keeps her eyes glued to the road, she can see the shift in Jan’s expression.

“What do you mean, Jacks?”

“Like, do you ever feel like you’re never going to be good enough, and everything you do just-just kind of  _ doesn’t matter _ ?”

Jan sucks in a breath. “Pull over.”

“What? Why?”

“Just-just do it, Jackie,” she sighs.

Jackie does as she’s told, pulling over onto the dirt road beside the highway. Before she can even put her car in park, Jan is climbing over the center into her lap.

It’s a tight fit but they manage with Jan nuzzling her head under Jackie’s chin, placing a kiss to the underside of her jaw. “You seemed like you might need some love,” Jan whispers into her skin.

Jackie wraps her arms securely around Jan, letting the warmth of her body calm her frantic thoughts.

Jackie nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”

They stay that way for a while, Jan humming softly under her breath while Jackie catches hers.

“Do you really feel that way? That you’re not good enough?” Jan wonders out loud.

“I guess. I just-nothing feels good enough, you know? My parents expect so much out of me, so do my teachers and classmates and friends and it just seems like no matter how hard I work I will never be good enough. Tonight my parents yelled at me for a whole hour because I got an 89 on that history exam last week. And I just- I don’t wanna seem dramatic but it almost makes me feel like it’s not worth trying.”

“Babe,” Jan coos, wiping a stray tear from Jackie’s eye, “what feels like it’s not worth it?”

Jackie shrugs, her cheeks turning red. “Living, I guess, because it’s one thing after another that I just can’t get right.”

Jan’s face noticeably goes from sympathetic to worried, her brows furrowing and her eyes going wide.

“Jackie, please don’t say that. You’re not thinking about-“

“No, no, no-“ Jackie stops her, the blonde visibly relaxing a bit, “I would never do anything like that. I just-sometimes I wish I didn’t exist, you know?”

Jan nods slowly, letting Jackie’s words settle in her chest. “I get it. I wish you wouldn’t think like that though. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Scoffing, Jackie shakes her head. “No, you’d be fine without me. Now if  _ I didn’t have you,  _ that would be a problem.”

Jan frowns and lifts her head from where she laid it on Jackie’s shoulder. “Why would you say that? As if we haven’t been inseparable since middle school.”

“Well, you were the one that introduced me to all our friends. If I hadn’t met you I would, quite literally, have no one. At least you’d still have Crys and Gigi and Jaida and all the rest of them.”

“Babe, you know they adore you, right? Almost as much as I do. Crystal tells me all the time how funny you are and there’s no way Gigi would’ve passed math for the past three semesters if it wasn’t for you. Jaida, well that bitch is perfect, she doesn’t need any of us but she chooses to hang with us.”

Jackie snorts, a small smile on her face. “I guess but I still don’t think I would’ve let myself get to know any of them if it weren’t for you,” she says with a shrug.

“Maybe, but I don’t think I would’ve done a lot if I hadn’t met you either.”

Jackie shakes her head in disbelief. “No way, you’re way more outgoing than me.”

Reaching up to tuck a strand of dark hair behind Jackie’s ear, Jan looks her in the eye. “I know I probably wouldn't have fallen in love if I hadn’t met you.”

All of a sudden, Jackie’s world comes to a halt.

“You-you love me?”

They’d been officially girlfriends for four months at this point, and neither of them had dared utter the word love out loud in fear of crumbling the little palace they had built from the ground up with soft touches and tender words. 

Jan smiles warmly. “I do, I love you a lot, Jackie.” 

Jackie’s chest tightens and she doesn’t realize she’s crying until Jan is wiping her tears away with gentle fingertips and whispering soothing words.

“I love you too, Jan. I’m sorry, you deserve better, I’m not-“

“No,” Jan says, placing a hand on either side of Jackie’s wet cheeks, “don’t say that. I love you and I think you’re perfect. No matter what anyone else says, you are perfect to me. I don’t care what your grades are or how many AP classes you take. I don’t care about any of that. I love you for you, none of that other stuff matters. Do you understand me?”

Being so young, people would always tell Jackie that she didn’t know what being in love truly meant but she can’t imagine her feelings for Jan are anything less.

“I love you,” Jackie says again, tasting the words on her tongue after they’d sat in the back of her throat for so long.

“I love you too, so much.”

Jackie then closes the distance between them, pressing her lips against Jan’s, tasting her favorite honey lip balm as they pressed into one another in a fit of loving passion. 

They only pull apart when Jackie notices the windows are starting to get foggy as their movements heat up. 

“We should probably get going so we don’t get arrested for public indecency,” Jackie chuckles.

“Okay, do you wanna stay over tonight? We can cuddle?”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll just have to leave before my mom gets up.”

As Jackie drives back to Jan’s they blast the sappiest love playlist they can find on Spotify and for the first time that night, she feels at peace, her soul bursting forward with more love than she’s ever felt. And she knew with Jan by her side that feeling was never far away.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed <3


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